Do you even realize?!?

Do you realize that everything good that happened in your life was because of my help? The only time you accomplished something, was because of me?

And you left me, twice, for such a filthy lowlife scum, that has never done anything good in her life, except smooch off of hardworking ppl, so she can continue being a dirty alcoholic whore. She is a dumb,white trash cunt, with no purpose in this life, except screw ppl over. Her knees were hanging, for crying out loud!!

And you chose her over ME. Me, who, did nothing but better your life. I have lived to raise and educate my child. Your child. That is my purpose. And i did a one Hell of a good job! Whereas you, just kept hurting her. She will be damaged with men, in her relationships. Because of you!

You humiliated me numerous times. As if I was this stupid, none worthy of your time, pathetic bitch the entire time. My only mistake was loving you, trusting you, and always, always taking your side. But you threw me in the trash! Left me in AR the first time, like an abandoned dog. And i took you back. I gave you a home, and family. And all the love and support you wanted and needed to start your business. The business, you spent your $$ on that trash, when I was struggling to provide for your kid.

Have you ever, like slightly think about all this?

New Year, New Life #2018hopes

Wow, I read some of these past blogs..and wow! Was I in pain? Or was I in pain?!? 

I haven’t bloddeg since October 2017. Lots have happened since. Proffessionally, I grew so much. Personally, I have experienced and lived through some events. Some good, some bad- overall, they all helped me grow. In the mids of all these past year events, I met some people, good/bad- they all helped me. My favourite one was, when I have done the un-thinkable, stepping out of my confort zone- and surprising myself with the un-imaginable. I met a young guy , who I may add, was the perfect stranger. Very polite, well behaved, cute and very impressionable. We met at Padler’s pub, on a weekday, for a drink. He was here from California, on a business trip, with Sams Club. He was staying on the very top floor of this fancy hotel around the Promanade mall in Rogers. We talked until the bar closed, and decided to continue in this above mentioned hotel room. This was a big deal for me, as I have never, ever would do this type of things. But I am so glad it happened. It was one of the best nights of my life. And he was so courtious, such a gentleman. I was surprised to my core. Only 33, with a great carieer, funny, smart, sexy guy. After the night ended, being in the clouds with my head, I suddenly thought, there are so many guys out there, that are smart, have a career and treat women in this matter, I need to immediately stop my pathetic whining about a jerk, that does not see my value! This was in the spring, prior my trip to Europe. This was the begginig of my healing. This opened my eye. 

Dan, wherever you are now, I am so happy I met you! I will nevet forget that night, it did so much to my hurt soul and pride. It was wild!! 

Thank you!

Today, I am 100% better. And, I have to say, I take back my beliefs about Karma. 

It does exist!! 

Happy 2018!!

A $$hole

Just because I don’t ask, it doesn’t mean I don’t need $. I rely on that, I am a single mom. It seems you have forgotten that what you own right now is because of my help. Just like many other things you have forgotten, like you assured me you will always make sure we are ok financially. I don’t want handouts. I am NOT a kept woman. All I want is what’s rightfully needs to be given. 

I expect $ to get to me 2X per week. Without asking. For 3 years you were away, you paid me $300/ biweekly – but I had to ask each time. Based on your FL income, you were supposed to pay $ 274/ biweekly. You have shorted me for 3 years.

Now, we both know you make more $ than you did in FL when the amount was calculated. I will leave it to your discretion on how much you will give me every 2 weeks. However, I don’t want explanation on your expenses. You can pay me fair, or shorten me- it will be up to you. 

I don’t want to ask, or talk about money, or anything else for that matter. Pay your child support, and pay it fairly. No lying or cheating. She deserves that much, and I need that much to be able to provide for her.

Back to good ol’ USA

It has been 4 days since we returned from EUROPE. We flew on 7 planes!! Sidney was so happy she got to experience Europe! She wants us to move to Hungary. I am liking that idea…very much so.

Today, Saturday, I got to see you. You came to hand me some money- $187 to be exact. For groceries. I thanked you. I am broke. I needed food.

You looked so bad. Smelled even worst. Tired, overused face. Not too happy either. Why?! You said your girlfriend is in the car, waiting. Same car, me and Sidney shared with you for 2 years. 

Doesn’t matter. For the first time, I didnt feel pain seeing you. I felt sorry for you. The way you looked. Same way as the path and life you chose. We just returned from Europe. A world that you are not part of. Nor is she. No nasty bar, no white trash, back stabbers. People have culture there. And manners. But most importantly, goals for the future. Not casino oriented future. But one, family means everything!

I feel relieved. What did I ever see in you? It hit me! I no longer see you the same person I always thought you were. I saw you exactly for who you are. This nasty manual laber-er, that stinks as nasty tabacco and booze. No attraction. Tired, stressed, and aged face. Few months of her, you look like her. This visit was exactly what I needed. Even if it was for few minutes only, it hit me. You are no longer anything I want. You are no longer the pesrson I fell inlove and had a child with. You are a repulsive stranger. I wish you the best with her. And no longer need to know anything about the 2 of you. Or you alone. You no longer interest me. No more tears for you. Only relief. And hope, for a better guy!!

My life is just beginning. With my daughter. My beautiful, mature, smart daughter, who learned to detest you as well. Unfortunate, but true.

We are ready for a new life and a new family!! In Europe. Or here…doesn’t matter the place, but the person we are sharing it with. And it will NEVER be you!

Great Britain

Today is our last day in GB. Heading to Hungary tonight. 

I had to make some space on my phone, so I deleted some photos. Going through my pictures, I couldn’t help but look at all our picture. 

It is amazing how much we went through, not just while married for 11 years, but in the last 2 years since you came to AR. So many things, memories, that some couples are not furtunate enough, to have gone through this much. It took us a long time to go through all this, and yet, it took you so little time to throw it all away. Again. As if it didn’t happen. In a matter of seconds, all that I did to get is back, all the love, support, faith and Trust I had for you, squished in the ground. They didnt matter to you. You wanted to have her here, to take all your profits and life achievements we have built together, and provide everything for her, to be happy- regardless of the cost. 

We were the cost. Me and Sidney. Your family. The one you threw away.

Luckily, moving across the ocean, I can see there are so many people, other that you- people that all want the type of relationship we had- people that want to settle down, not going from bar to bar, but more importantly, people that would put me and Sidney- your daughter- first, and would never ever hurt us, the way you have. There are so many others in this world, that are real man, that cannot even be mentioned in the same manner as you. People with morals, responsibility, and class. Not users like you, whi, after being helped, cusses, calls you stupid, yells and screams at you on what a loser you are- when in fact, they really are describing themselves. 

Those are the man that interest me. Thank God, I came here, to see, they do exist, and they are worthy of me. 

Thank God, they made me see you are dead to me. That is what I needed! To get you out of my life, once and forever!

Orlando FL 2017

I am about to fly to Europe. It has been a long time since I’ve been home- 7- 8 years…not even sure.

One may think that I am extatic now..but I am not. At all. 

I haven’t been back in Florida, since July 2012. Since he left me. I have not seen the ocean, or palm trees, or Publix…. none of these places, that were a big part of my life. 

Seeing them today, all these places meant nothing, but heartache. I thought today, oh I would do anything to have my old life back, the one where we lived near the beach, on Venice Avenue, in our old lil apartment. The one life, when I meant everything to him. When he loved me, and would do anything to improve our lives, and make us happy. The one, where my lil girl would have both her parents raising and loving her, and each other. 

There is a quote saying: how can you go back being strangers, once you’ve seen my soul? I cannot understand that. We used to share everything, we did everything together, we knew how and what the other person wants, and thinks, we finished each other’s sentences. You were a part of me, I have given you my everything. I have loved you so much, more than any lust you may feel for this woman. I loved you with true love, the one that becomes true love, after few years of marriage-the one that transfroms from lust, to respect, admiration, and TRUST. That is the psychological path of love,as we live together, for many years, our love becomes something much stonger and much powerful, then the beginnig lust. How can you throw that away? That is the kind of love ppl strive to acheive in their lives. And we got there. After 12 years of marriage. After a painful let down and heartbreak, I decided to go on, and love you- still. If that does not show you how much I have loved you, then what?? They say, if the one you broke their heart, takes you back, be sure to know, they are the one. Nobody ever will love you that way.

Yet, you leave me, and all that I have strived to acheive for us-for what? Lust? A person YOU KNOW its not for you, and will never work out, as she is a lieing, cheating, gold digger, that will pull you back down, to the very bottom. You have been there before, you know how it looks and feels like. Why would you do it again. On those expenses that really really love you.

This trip to Europe, the one we planned before you left, the one you bought plane tickets, and not even want to use it with us, this trip is approaching slowly, few more hours and we will be on the plane, without you. This trip represents, again, the biggest let down from your part, and it is so painful for me, because all I think about is, we would have done all this together, I would have proudly shown you around my world, as I did in 2002, when you first came with me to Romania. We were so inlove back then, it was the best trip, and I wanted that for us,again. 

So, this is why, I cannot put any enthusiasm into this trip. I hope it will change, and maybe, I will meet someone, that will make me as happy, or more-than you have. 

I am sick of feeling choked up all the time!

Family vacation of a lifetime

Remember out family vacation we have planned to Europe?!?

Well the time is here. This day should have been the happiest one in a long time, since I have not taken a vacation in years.  Gosh I was so excited!! I was planning it all out: fly to London, take the train to Paris, fly to Rome, fly to Budapest, rent a car to Romania, and fly back to London. Then US.

That was the plan. Anf you bought the plane tickets. 

Then few weeks later, you went to Florida. Lied. And went to her. You took her to the casino. 

And all my plans crashed.

No new house, no trip, no love, no family. You ripped my heart out.

When you came back, you said, i want to go to Europe. Then you continued talking to her. Until you moved out. “I cant take off 3 weeks, my company will fall apart, I need to answer calls”

Bs. You are your own boss. You can plan appointments around those 3 weeks. But then she moved here. 

It all made sense. “Oh I will still give you money. 3000 dollars”

This Monday, after no child support for 3 moths..you texted: i have 2000 dollar check for you. 

Today, you came to my house. She was in your new truck you just bought. 

You gave your daughter a check for 1500 dollars.

What a lowlife. I am broke, since you paid no support, and you just got paid 15000 dollars on Monday. 

“Im broke” you said. ” Ill send you 500 more later.”

Really?? You probably need to take a vacation. With her. To the casino.

You waste your European ticket, your family, for a dirty rat like that. One that will sink you, dry you off your money, and cheat on you. With her own brother!

But right now, I am the one hurting. So much. You will never know.

Ever.

Bad = True

I spend all these days being sad. Every single one of them. The memories that come to my mind, constantly, are the good ones with him. Not the terrible, insulting words and actions you showed towards me. Not those. 

Why not those, I wonder. Why cant I see the way you yelled at me in front of the movies, on how stupid, and ditsy I am? On how I cannot do ANYTHING without you. How I am a terrible mother, and a dumb person, which you made sure you worded so dispecably, with disgust, as if I was the ultimate scum of the world. You yelled, and called me names. You have disrespected me in the worst way one could. 

Are you even aware of those words and actions, like in the restaurant, after you left me, taking us out to eat, but constantly texting and sending pictures to her, while i was sitting in front of you, being invisible.

Are you aware of your oblivious, hurtful actions? Right to me, right in front of me. As if it wasnt me, the one person who loved you unconditionally, and made the successful business you ever had. 

Yes, it was the same me, who took you back, after you have done all the above things to, once before.

I am aware about not having any emotional intelligence, because I do, say, and feel all these things, and one may think, enough!…no more!!..can’t take any more of this whining. But everyone processes things differently. This is my process of going through all this. And do believe me, I wish I didnt. I wish it would not eat my life up. I wish I would be immune, passive, not giving a damn-but say screw him!! He is not all that good about ANYTHING.

BUT until then…I really hope Karma exists- although I dont really beleive it does- and he will get all this back one day. All the pain he has caused me.

My joy and pride!

Some of these posts, I’m really writing because throughout the day, it hits me..I want to text him. But I don’t. I’ll write this as I would send him a text. I guess it stops me from actually doing it. Maybe, one day, I will share this link, and he can read all this. Maybe.

You told me once, “I am not that important” – as you were leaving me. 

Oh you could have not been more wrong! You were the JOY and the PRIDE of mine. I was so HAPPY last summer, filled with JOY, that we were together. Gosh, if I even think about it for just a glimpse of the moment, I feel pain. And my PRIDE!! I was so so proud of you for everything we achieved with opening and promoting your company. Gosh, if you just knew the amount of pride I have carried, and talked about you to EVERYONE. As much as BETTER bath -that logo -gave me so much pride, it does just the exact amount of pain right now. 

How can one feel all these feelings, and go beyond herself, to be there for you, yet gets stabbed in the heart. How is that possible?!

What have I done, in my pathetic life, to deserve all this pain? Why isn’t there justice?!? I am a good person!! I have not committed any wrong towards you.NONE! All I have done is lived for you, felt the joy through you.

The amount of tears I lose every single day, is un-human!! How can this hurt this bad!

Will you ever know?!?

Desgusting, low life, brother and son screwing incest!

That is what you called her. I heared all the bad stuff about her. How she just uses men, to get a free drink, and everything paid for. Who drugged you at night, so he can sneak her own brother in the house and screw him, while you are out on the bedroom. Who copied all your credit cards, you later found in her purse-so she can use them. She is dumb, un-educated, stupid whore-you called her. White trash! She is dirty, drunk all the time, wasted better said, that would jerk off guys in the bar’s nasty bathroom, for a drink. Who slept with her own son, she gave birth to. Oh i have so much more you’ve shared with me, and everyone in Arkansas. She is a liar and a bitch! Smoking almost a carton per day. So desgusting you would say.

I would NEVER bring her close to Sidney- you would say.

Now, you’re throwing a fit, because you must take sid to the orthodontist, and she made it perfectly clear, she wont go, if that slut is in the car.Ill take her without no fucki g rules! You yelled on text message.

Over my dead body!!!